ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
