I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
As shirtless as possible
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
