what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
