this beer tastes like vomit already
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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