I just threw up on my dentist
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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