I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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