I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
