Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There's a naked man in my car right now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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