I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
