Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
