i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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