I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
