I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i now understand why vodka
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
