Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
