Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
