I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
