i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
