It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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