all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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