It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
