my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
