I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
not ubering you a puppy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize