I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.