just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
