i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
