Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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