Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
