remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
