"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
