if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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