Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
