I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
