im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
