My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I want a musical about memes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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