doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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