do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
