you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
