...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
