At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
