You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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