I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
cat food counts as protein by the way
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
