So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
