Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
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Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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