So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just want to make out with him forever
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
