You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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