He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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