I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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