yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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