I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
