i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
did i just pee glitter
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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