You smell like stripper and shame
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
