i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
