Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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