I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
