dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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