ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
