Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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