I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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