so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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