He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
