I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I wear drunk well.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
