Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
